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Gossip Girl Final Season Recap — Ep. 3

This episode was so horrifically boring we almost decided to not re-cap it, but here is what you need to know.

After Blair gets Charlotte Casiraghi to walk in her show only to have her back out at the last moment, she resorts to asking Serena to step in — only to be brutally rebuffed.

Serena is dealing with ‘her former self’ aka Sage, her boyfriend’s daughter. The Serena we know would not be outmaneuvered by skinny Vanessa. Alas as Nate points out: “She’s high school you times ten.”

Sage calls Serena a trophy girlfriend, then drops trow at Blair’s show, prompting Serena to walk out. Several journalists follow, and the rest of the models, including Alexa Chung, wont walk. Blair’s reputation is destroyed.

“You say celebrate, I say drown my sorrows” — Blair to Chuck’s bottle of ‘Dom’ after the show.

Dan publishes his first segment on The Spectator, which turns out to be all about his dad Rufus and his “glass house” aka his loft in Brooklyn where he is still shacked up with Ivy. In case it wasn’t enough to declare war on dad, he then ruthlessly pulls the rest of the series when he gets a better deal with Vanity Fair. Take a xanax, Nate.

Yah, Dan, because we always tell our boss / best friend who we’re staying with “to take a Xanax or two” after mocking them for thinking our handshake was a deal.

Nate finally catches a break landing Dan’s big expose — noting that he now finally has hits from “people who actually read.” Gossip Girl reports a leak that Rufus is planning to sue The Spectator after Ivy sends in an anonymous tip. Rufus who obviously will not be suing his son, is livid and to prove it, he asks Ivy to be his date to prom make their first public appearance as a couple at a gala next week.

Dan is still embracing his inner ass. He publishes an expose about his own father, reneged on his deal with Nate, almost shacks up with Nelly, but then quickly ignores her when he realizes he now has non-nerd fans.

Quotes:

  • Suck it Humphrey — Serena to Dan
  • I’m going to go congratulate Anderson Cooper on his old news becoming new news — Steven to Serena
  • Looks like these besties were bested by a newbie — Gossip Girl on Sage vs Serena/Blair
  • Save the Dom, Chuck — Blair to Chuck

Cameos and References

  • Alexa Chung played herself as one of Blair’s models who refuses to show her face on the catwalk after Serena walks out of the show.

Gossip Girl Final Season Recap — Ep. 2

Sage, Bruno Mars called …

Let’s quickly get it out of the way that all the GG cast is STILL on Blackberry.

Moving on, the name of this episode was titled Dirty Rotten Scandals but don’t expect any references to Cap Ferrat or con artists; the scandal here is all about Blair‘s upcoming Women’s Wear Daily article — her editorial debut as the new head of Waldorf Designs. Small problem — the WWD fashion writer is none other than Nelly Yuki — Blair’s former underling, nemesis and Yale competition from Constance.

GG is actually the most depressing show on TV right now because you can tell they are wrapping it up — giving the various non-main cast members from the last 5 seasons a final bow. Every time we hear Serena’s former drug dealer referenced or one of Blair’s old minion makes an appearance, we know it’s one step closer to the end.

It broke our heart when Sage read off Serena: “No one reads Gossip Girl anymore” … “It’s only for old people”. That cut like a knife, Sage. Made us rethink existence. But then just about when we were totally suicidal the GG writers completely redeemed themselves when Serena walks away and Sage’s prep squad burst into: “IS YOUR DAD DATING SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN?! WE READ IT TODAY ON GOSSIP GIRL!!”

They do still read GG! They do, they really do! We’d like to see Sage and Serena bond over a burn book.

But the real arc of this story turned out to be the new Queen of Constance — Serena’s 40-year-old boyfriend’s secret 17-year-old daughter Sage Spence. Game on.

Questions:

  1. Was Rufus noticeably missing because he is still shacked up in Brooklyn. And was Milo with them?
  2. What other role playing a marine does Chuck have right now?
  3. Why can Serena not get herself on the board of the Central Park Conservancy? Is this not the same Serena who can steal Nacho Figueras’s horse and not go to jail, is the grand daughter of CeCe Rhodes, and step daughter of Bart Bass? I mean, comon.
  4. Also, if Serena’s 40-year-old boyfriend is so damn connected, how come he or any of his gay friends at the wedding didn’t know who Serena was? We doubt very much she wouldn’t be recognized at a gay wedding in the Catskills.
  5. Does the necklace Bart gives Lily cost more than 10 million dollars? If not, why would it make her happy that her husband’s one weekend stand in the middle east cashed out better?
  6. When did Dorota get an MBA?

Most condescending line of the evening: Chuck, you’re so cute using your dead mother’s birthday as the code for the safe where I hide my payoff money. Does Blair’s need help with errands today?

More quotes from Bart:

  • “Let me give you some Bass properties, and we can be a family again” – Bart to Chuck
  • “I gave you 10 million dollars not to ask questions” – Bart to Divya
  • “We get it, she’s the Mentalist, eat a crepe” – Bart to Chuck at breakfast
More quotes from last night:
  • This is our ticket out of Brooklyn – Georgina & Dan on the Insider sequel
  • Were going to Cipriani’s to discuss – Georgina re: Graydon Carter
  • It’s legal, I checked — Sage to Nate on if they can have sex or not
  • Classic high school move – Chuck to Bart when he becomes out maneuvered
  • I’m breaking up with you / I’ll be at the ball later come say hi – Nate to Sage’s voicemail
  • Why is handsome, vacant boy calling me? – Georgina to Nate’s caller ID

Facts:

  • Being on the board of the Central Park Conservancy is more important than being mayor.
  • Georgina can get meetings at Vanity Fair, New York magazine and The Nation.

Cameos this episode:

  1. Daniel Sullivan — he was the man on the roof who Serena had her photo taken with that was in the paper the next day — he is the real life director for Shakespeare in the Park
  2. Chris Rovzar — VF.com editor, who played a VF.com editor, he also use to blog for Daily Intel
  3. Jessica Pressler — was the editor at New York Magazine and also actually works at New York Magazine
  4. Katrina vanden Heuvel from The Nation — played herself at the meeting at The Nation
  5. “This was a gift from Raf” — there was no appearance but a direct reference was made to Dior’s designer Raf Simons who is new to the brand this fall. Nelly said this about her bag Blair calls fake.

This season is suppose to be all about closing out the story, so the cast has to be left in a believable, comforting spot by the time the last curtain drops this. Unlike the writing team behind LOST, this team actually cares to conclude their story. As such, the writers are accelerating the cast through adulthood forcing them to face bigger problems so we can see their realized position in life after we leave them. New grown up problems include:

Serena —

  • Serena has entered the big leagues as G-D intended. She is now giving the Tisches competition as cutest charitable couple with her older, wealthy boyfriend. This means she can’t get caught dead (literally) on trains anymore. How long can she really hang this way and will she and Steve find some ground on which to grow.

Chuck —

  • Besides the haircut, Chuck has to figure out how to reconcile some other issues: namely his future with Bart and/or Blair. On the one hand, Bart is his only family, and his only clear future. On the other hand, he has Blair and having Blair means he can’t be an a-hole anymore. Which is impossible to steer clear of under the emotional backlash of Bart’s incredibly conditional love.

Dan —

  • Dan is no longer mad, he no longer wants to fit in. He now wants to expose the wrong doings he’s seen around him that have torn his life apart and that of his family’s. This crew has broken his heart, nearly ruined his high school experience, chased his sister out of town and sent his father into a womanizing stupor. This was the first time we heard Dan complain about Blair leaving him for a guy who traded her for a hotel — and we haven’t sided against him. Dan no longer cares, and it’s working for him. We’d watch him sleeping too, Georgina.

Nate —

  • Nate has a minor problem; his girlfriend dresses like Bruno Mars. And he is quoting  Patti Stanger from Millionaire Matchmaker. Oy, Nate. Once again Nate is blowing our minds with his whopping donations from his fledgling b-list newspaper. Where does he keep getting all the money? Nate also still says things like: I thought you were sleeping with your father before I knew he was your father. We’re not sure where Nate’s going to end up. He is living on credit and is swimming in an industry where he has no background. Best bet for Nate is that he sells The Spectator to Esquire and they give him a job as New York Scene Editor. According to Dan, Nate has a surprisingly high IQ so maybe the two of them could shake something out together since they do indeed appear to have remained friends since Nate’s homelessness brought them together.

Blair —

  • Blair now runs a global company and has no employees. Worse, she is loosing her cool. Blair sucked this episode; she lost the WWD article to Poppy L, neither befriended nor dominated Nelly, completely misused the idea of an atelier, and only bothered to set foot in it once Dorota had  scouted,  leased and completely decorated the office space. Also, Blair’s minons officially suck. They have gotten worse over the years and hit an all time low — clothes, acting, ineptitude and all. Blair needs to name Dorota head of Waldorf and take a role as their creative director.

Bonus Points:

  • Points to Georgina for leaving a gala to go have drinks.

Gossip Girl Final Season Recap — Ep. 1

There were a lot of things worth noting about Gossip Girl’s (final) season premiere last night. First of all … I think we can all rejoice that Lily and Rufus are through. She is finally back with Bart Bass as G-D intended and the axis of the Upper East Side is back on it’s turn. Yeh, maybe it’s hard to believe Bart was in hiding and let his only son think he was dead but it’s better than getting blown up in a plane but really living in a cottage in the Hamptons plotting to steal your daughters trust fund, being in a car accident but really living in a mansion throwing Eyes Wide Shut parties.

Also to be rejoiced, ‘S’ finally has a do-able boyfriend. We don’t want Serena/Sabrina’s children to be tainted because Mommy kept slumming. Her new boyfriend is a tech wiz who keeps an apartment in the city but lives in the country and is tolerant and progressive and has a house glorious enough to be mistaken for Scientology’s secret upstate headquarters.

Is anyone else completely cool with Charlie Rhodes (aka Ivy Dickens) and Rufus hooking up? He is a 45 year old former rock star. Should he not be dating a 23 year psychopath with daddy issues? We cannot wait to see who gets more screwed here.

Most important: Blair and Dan are done. And Dan is writing a tell-all with real names, places, and facts this time — but has to find his sex video with Serena first.

Boo:

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GG’s cameos of the week:

  • Bethany Carkhuff — a real-life SVW — a NY socialite who was a real victim of an online gossip chat board at Columbia University called ‘Bored at Butler’ named for the schools library.
  • Sofia Black-D’Elia (from Skins).
  • Did anyone else notice Chuck’s new Dubian friend is none other than Nadia from LOST?

Best quote of the night:

Lily To Rufus: Oh, and btw, anyone who’s actually been on a yacht, calls it a boat. #truth

Best Georgina Sparks moments of the night:

  • Georgina’s car with all her baby gear. It’s hilarious to watch the witch of the Upper East Side in babymoma mode.
  • Georgina memorized the license plate of Chuck’s limo. Yeh, we did too.
  • Georgina making Dan work in the hot sun with no water.

Does anyone else feel like the costume designers switched Nate and Chuck’s clothes for this episode? Nate in business attire and Chuck in preppy plaid. Is Chuck not the mogul and Nate the lacrosse player? I guess Nate has to step it up a notch to keep up with his family name. Now that he is running a competitive New York news site and only has one story that is going to make or break the entire sales margin for the year.

We are going to start taking votes on who Gossip Girl is — supposedly this information is to be revealed this final season. It’s obviously a grown up. We have our money on Lily which would prove she is a psycho b-tch who needs more home jail and would explain why she tried to pass the torch to Serena, or it could be a fleet of hired hands of Bart Bass … But also suspect is Vanya (Dorota’s husband the doorman) and his Irish / Russian Upper East Side doormen mafia who watch the streets all day and all night and know when everyone comes and goes.

Opening Scene in Monte Carlo from Gossip Girl Season 6 Episode One:

Stay tuned for upcoming episode recaps of ‘Gossip Girl,’ ‘90210’ and ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” throughout the fall.